Love Child
by LisaDouglas
Summary: Never met to be.
1. An Olive Branch

Chapter One- An Olive Branch

October 1969

"Oooo-l-i-v-i-a…" Olivia Martin looked down at the page in front of her, scrutinizing the letters she'd spelled out very carefully with a bright green colored crayon.

"Time far bed angel." Jude smiled, leaning her head against her daughter's bedroom door as she wiped her hands on a dishtowel from the kitchen.

"Mommy look, look I did it!"

"What'd ya do Livie? Let me see." She said, reaching for the paper with one hand as she pulled back Olivia's covers with the other.

"I wroted my name, see, like Mary Eunice taught me! Look Mommy! I can spell now!" Olivia squealed as she climbed into bed.

Jude tucked her in and then sat on the side of the bed, beginning to look down at the work her daughter had done.

"It's perfect sweetheart. I'm proud of ya, I'll hang it on the fridge." Jude leaned over and kissed her forehead. "Good night baby."

"Night, ni- Mama… Mommy?"

"Yes."

"I want a story."

"No, no it's a little late, remember I let ya stay up so you could color for a little bit, but tomorrow ya can have as many stories as ya want."

"Pleeeeese!" She squealed, Jude sighed.

"Alright, but a short one Livie."

"Why is Olivia my name?!"

"Um." Jude smiled. "Now that is a good question. Ya remember in Sunday school when we talked about olive branches, they mean peace."

"Hey that sounds like Olivia!"

"Yes my angel it does." Jude smiled back, rubbing her nose against her daughter's, causing her to giggle. "Olivia means peace of the olive tree or branch, and it brings fruitfulness, so good things, and beauty." She beamed, cupping her little girl's cheek in her hand. "And dignity, so…respect." Jude tried to convey the terms in words that she thought her five-year-old might understand. "I wanted yar little name ta mean all of those things."

"Those are good things." Olivia smiled, considering this very carefully, most of the meaning in her name lost on the little girl, but its purpose was renewed in her Mother's mind.

"They're lovely things." Jude giggled. "Now it's really time far bed Olivia," Jude kissed her daughter's cheek and switched to the other, going back and forth with each word, "peace, beauty, dignity."

Olivia giggled wildly and Jude smiled, kissing her daughter's forehead one last time before getting up and crossing the room. She turned off the light, ready to close the door.

"Mommy." Olivia interrupted. "Why don't I have a Daddy?"

Jude paused. She put her head down, clutching the edge of the doorway, trying to gather her strength. She turned the light back on and took an audible breath before turning back to her little girl.

"Not everybody has a Daddy honey." Jude said, sitting on her daughter's bed again. "Mommy didn't."

"Nuh-uh Mommy! Everybody has one. Ya need a Daddy ta have a baby." She whispered as if she were telling her Mother a secret she wouldn't know. Jude smiled in spite of her sadness.

"Sometimes honey, things happen between Mommies and Daddies." Jude said slowly. "And they can't be tagether anymore angel. And that happened between me and yar Daddy. He went off far his job."

Olivia pouted and the sad look on her face made Jude's heart sink. Olivia put her head down, wanting to ask why she didn't make some difference to him or to them collectively. Her tummy began to hurt. Jude grabbed her chin and kissed her cheek, tucking her in again.

"Don't worry about anything angel. Yar Mommy loves ya more than anything in the whole world and more than enough far all the Mommies and two Daddies in the whole entire world." Jude kissed her girl again and quickly walked back to the door, turning off the light.

"Good night Mommy." Olivia said sadly.

"Good night my little baby."

Jude sighed, placing her hand on her chest as she shut the door, her heart ached.

"Everything alright Jude?" Mary Eunice inquired from her place on the couch where she sat studying, her school and art books strewn across the coffee table haphazardly.

"Livie asked about her Daddy." Jude looked down.

"Oh…Jude…" Mary said quietly, not really knowing what to say. She took off her glasses, placing them back on one of her books and looked back up at her friend. "Jude I…"

"I don't know what I'm supposed ta say." Jude began, placing her face in her hands, slowly sinking onto the couch next to Mary Eunice. Mary watched Jude as she sat there. She reached over to comfort her and began to rub circles in her back. "She's only just turned five, I thought I had more time far this, befare she'd ask me..."

"It's not your fault you know." Mary consoled.

"I know." Jude whispered. "And if it hadn't happened, I wouldn't have been in the position ta help ya when ya needed me most…when we left Briarcliff together."

"Do you want me to cancel my date tomorrow night so we can…"

"No, no, go out have fun." Jude sniffled, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand as she stood up and crossed the room.

"Are you sure?" Mary asked anxiously.

"Yes Mary, yar only young once. Go and have fun." Jude continued toward her bedroom without another word.

"Good night Jude." Mary said sadly as Jude simply shut her door.

Mary sighed, also feeling sad about this entire thing. In addition for her sorrow for her friend, it took her mind back to a horrible time in her life she didn't want to think very much about. Jude crawled into her bed, collapsing into the sheets like a rock falling on the ground: she felt almost dead inside. She knew, of course, that her little girl would ask about her Father one day, but she hadn't been prepared to hear the question so soon, when the child was too young to understand and the wounds were still fresh.

Jude closed her eyes, sniffling as she turned over in bed and buried her face in her pillow. It was then that she realized she was crying. Jude scolded herself for her tears and dried her eyes again, trying to wipe away any shred of evidence that she'd been upset.

"No, no, ya've got ta be strong." She whispered to herself, settling into her pillows. "Don't let him bring ya anymore pain Jude."

Jude closed her eyes tightly but the listlessness of impending sleep would not come. Finally she succumbed to what seemed like endless awakeness, opening her eyes and allowing them to begin to focus as she stared into her pitch-black bedroom. Jude lye there alone in the dark with her thoughts and her demons, she could almost see them dance around her bed, tumbling around in the depth of the night…it wasn't until that moment that Jude realized she wasn't hurt for herself, but for her little girl. This time, he would crush her all over again, not because of what she'd lost, but because he would crush Olivia.

Peace. Fruitfulness. Beauty. And Dignity. Olivia Faith Martin certainly was the embodiment of all of those very good things. The little girl didn't deserve to be crushed, or hurt or thrown out like a piece of trash by someone who didn't want her and wasn't good enough for her anyway. Jude smiled to herself for the first time since she'd gone to bed. She was so proud to be Olivia's Mother. The little girl was everything she could ever hope for in a child. It brought great joy to look into her little brown eyes and sweet face everyday and clearly see the man who'd Fathered her. Sometimes, Jude didn't think she was sure of anything anymore. But if there was one thing in her life she could count on to make her happy, it was that Timothy Howard would never know the joy of being Olivia's Father.

….

"Mary Eunice, why do ya live with Mommy and me?" Olivia asked.

It was early, and the leaves hit the ground gently, seeming to authenticate the brisk fall morning. The sun was barely up but it was still an hour after Jude left for work. Mary Eunice was walking Olivia to school, as she did every morning. Olivia tiptoed along the edge of a little brick wall cautiously placing one Mary Jane clad foot in front of the other, her arms spread out at her sides as if she were flying. Mary was kind of nervous about her walking on the wall. The little girl was clearly trying hard to maintain her balance and she looked as if she were going to fall. Jude would kill her if she fell.

"Because Mommy and I are good friends, in fact she was almost like my Mommy before you were born, and she and I needed a new place to live at the same time." Olivia already knew this but Mary decided to explain it again.

"Around the time I was gonna be born."

"Around the time you were going to be born." Mary said, lifting her off the brick wall and putting her back on the ground.

Mary Eunice wondered why Olivia was asking all of these questions. She and Jude had lived together, raising Olivia since before the girl was born and she'd never known anything different than that life. The three made an untraditional, but happy family. Jude was the Mother, Olivia was the child, and Mary's role fell somewhere haphazardly between big sister, daughter, friend and nanny. Olivia had no idea how this piecemeal family came to be, or that her Mother and adopted older sister had once been Nuns.

"And Mommy decided I needed a big sister?" Olivia smiled up hopefully. She took Mary's hand as they stopped at the crosswalk.

"And she decided you needed a big sister." Mary giggled. She had had many sisters growing up, but if she had to pick a favorite, it was by far, Olivia.

"I want ya ta go to my school." The kindergartener said randomly. "That would be really fun!"

"It would, but I don't think they let adults go to kindergarten." Mary smiled.

"Well then can I come ta yars?!"

"No Livie." Mary laughed. "College is big people school sweetheart."

"Oh…"

By now they'd crossed their last street and were walking onto the school's grounds. They were no longer alone. The place was noisy and flooded with parents and hoards of children running everywhere, trying to get out their last little bursts of energy before they were confined indoors for a whole school day.

"Okay, good bye Livie. I'll pick you up at the end of the day, okay?" Mary said, adjusting the little girl's navy beret and kissing her cheek.

"Okay Mary. I lub you." She walked up a couple of the school's steps then turned back to Mary, almost eye level with her.

"I love you too."

"Whose that, is that your Mommy and Daddy?" Another little girl asked.

Kate was a girl who had been playing with Olivia at recess for several days. She'd just been dropped off too and came and stood beside Olivia on the school steps. The two little girls watched as Mary ran across the street and took the arm of a handsome, dark-haired young man who'd been standing there waiting for her.

"No." Olivia sighed. "That's my big sister and her boyfriend. They go to college."

"Oh…what about your Daddy, my Daddy brings me ta school."

Olivia paused. These questions about her Father were new and she'd been getting them for several days, since she'd started kindergarten

"Oh." She said quietly, deciding to say what she always said. "I don't have one."

"Why not, what happened to him?"

"I don't know." Olivia said, she'd never thought of this before and the idea would stick with her for the rest of the day.

"How are you this morning? I brought you coffee." Mary's boyfriend, Mark asked, kissing her cheek, causing her to smile brightly.

"Thank you Mark." She squeezed his hand, taking the coffee he'd brought with her free one. "I'm so glad you're willing to meet me at the school everyday after I drop of Livie, it's so sweet. I know, it's stupid, I'm afraid to walk alone."

"I don't mind going to the school, before and after, she's a great kid! And as for you, it's not stupid honey, not after what happened to you." He let go of her hand and wrapped his arm around her, pulling her in tight to him.

"I'm so happy you're so understanding. I'm lucky to have met you." She beamed.

"Anything for you Mary, anything for you." Mark laughed, kissing her forehead.

Mary sighed. She hadn't felt totally safe in years, not until she met Mark. He'd changed her world. Life was so different now than it had been when she was a Nun, and of course, than in had been the last few years…this relationship was something she never could've imagined. Both of them were Art and English majors and had met in a Poetry class. Mark was funny, sweet like Mary, and loved Jude and Olivia too. But now Mary wondered if perhaps her boyfriend's presence was triggering questions in little Livie's mind about why there was no man in her Mother's life.

…

Jude boarded the bus earlier than usual that morning, still bothered by her little girl's comments from the night before. She closed her eyes as she sat in her usual seat, trying to put the child's upsetting quandaries out of her mind so she could have a pleasant workday. Jude had a good job as the head secretary in a legal office and made a decent living, one that enabled her to support all three of them and even help Mary Eunice with college a little bit.

It was the kind of job she could've only dreamed of before she became a Nun. She'd left Briarcliff desperate, pregnant and fearful that she wouldn't find work that she, Mary and the baby would struggle to survive. To her surprise, her time as head administrator of Briarcliff was impressive to employers and turned out to be the key to a better life for her and the girls. Jude leaned her head back against the seat, letting out a deep breath as the bus took off down the road, her eyes still closed.

"Are you alright today?" Came a kind, questioning voice that caused Jude to jump.

"Oh, Andrew it's just you!" She laughed, catching her breath.

Andrew was an acquaintance of Jude's who she knew from riding this particular bus. The two had been friendly for several years, almost as long as Jude had had this job. They were the kind of friends who knew a lot about each other, save very personal details. For example, they knew each other's habits as passengers of this bus. If one wasn't there for many days, the other would become concerned. Often, one would save a seat for the other. Jude knew that he was in finance and from London. He knew she had a daughter. And yet they did not even know each other's last names.

Jude enjoyed her daily time with Andrew because it was a purely fun, unattached relationship devoid of complication, responsibility and thank the Lord, the possibility of romantic entanglement. The two would laugh, joke, talk about life and go their separate ways. It was just what she realized she had always needed. He was a comforting presence for her. Something about him was mysteriously familiar to her and she'd never been able to figure out what it was even after all this time. Best of all, she had always felt, as though he was watching out for her somehow. They'd first met, one sweltering June afternoon, a few months after she got her job. At the time, she'd been very pregnant with Olivia and on the hottest days of the summer, he would always give up his seat for her on the bus and make sure she got back to her apartment building safely.

"Yes it's just me." He laughed. "Are you sure you're alright Jude, you look rather down in the mouth." He pointed out. Jude smiled, looking over his shoulder as he continued to peruse his paper, only half paying attention to her.

"The financial section no doubt?" She inquired. "Let's see industrials are…"

"Of course Jude, it's my business and my life! Really though, you seem quite glum today, almost disparaged. What's the matter?"

"Oh it's nothing, it's just somethin' my little girl asked me last night."

"What is she now, seven, eight?" Andrew was a kind but somewhat inattentive businessman.

"No." She laughed. "It hasn't been that long, she's only five."

"Five? My how they grow up quickly!"

"She's five and I don't know…I guess that's the problem with what she asked me, it is amazing how quickly they grow up. "

"Parenthood sounds rather complex…I'm so thankful my children are stocks and bonds and numbers…" He smiled, beginning to fold up his paper.

"Oh are ya?" Jude asked, her disappointment in this statement coming off very clearly. "I knew someone who thought that once. That a job met more than family or love or…"

"Of course it doesn't!" Andrew laughed. "People mean most. And children are the most important people." Jude sighed, happy to hear this from her friend. "It's why I take public transit, and always eat lunch out…because people mean a lot to me."

"Me too." She smiled.

"Anyway, I'll see you in a few hours, have a good day Jude." He smiled, getting up when the bus stopped.

"Bye Andrew."

It was simple, almost indirect conversation, but somehow, Andrew never ceased to make Jude feel better about anything and everything she'd ever discussed with him. He made her look on the bright side of things, and to her that was true friendship.

….

"Alright, bed time Livie." Jude smiled, coming into her daughter's room just as she had the night before. Tonight it was raining outside. Olivia liked the rain and had been sitting with her doll looking out the window at the street below.

"But Mommy you said that tonight could be story night, it's Friday!" In just a few short weeks of schooling, Olivia had already learned that Fridays were the most important days of the week.

"Yes, that's right." Jude admitted, beginning to close the curtain. "It is Friday and like Mommy promised ya, it's story night."

"Yay!" Olivia squealed, climbing hurriedly into her bed before she was even asked. Jude laughed and sat down on the edge next to her.

"Alright, what would ya like ta hear about?"

"Mommy, why are Mary and Mark giggling?" She asked.

Jude paused she could hear Mary and Mark laughing on the couch. She wasn't sure what they were up to but she thought they'd been making out. Jude felt that the relationship was very good for Mary Eunice, and she didn't care what they did in the house as long as Olivia didn't see too much. The two were very careful about that.

"You're precocious, ya know that?" Jude smiled.

"What's that mean?" She asked.

"It means yar a little girl who asks big questions."

"Oh!" She smiled, proud of the new term used to describe her.

"Anyway, what do ya wanna hear about?" Jude asked.

"Mommy…what happened ta my Daddy?" Jude sighed, frustrated but not at all surprised that she'd brought this up again. Jude supposed she could now recall asking her own Mother equally painful questions about her Father's whereabouts and intentions at precisely the same age.

"Sweetheart, we talked about this last night, I told ya…"

"You told me why he went, kinda but not where….Mommy did he leave me cause he didn't like me enough?" That was probably the girl's biggest fear.

"No, no honey it's nothin' like that." Actually it was in a way. Timothy had not wanted a child.

"Please tell me about him, please…" She practically begged.

"Alright."

Jude sighed, figuring she deserved to know something of the man who'd been half the reason she'd come into the world. Jude quickly decided on telling her a few innocuous points about her Father.

"He was a man Mommy loved far a very long time, ya have his eyes." Olivia smiled at this. "And his hair…but Mommy's smile." Jude smiled at this thought, loving that she got to look at her own smile on the little girl instead of his.

Olivia was merely excited to know she had her Father's eye and hair color, the brunette little girl had long wondered why she wasn't blonde like Mommy and Mary Eunice.

"What does he do? My friend Kate's Daddy works in a hospital."

"That we can't talk about angel." Jude said.

"But Mommy ya said that's why he left."

"I did and we can't talk about it Livie, ask me somethin' else."

Olivia pouted. Jude had decided to wait until she was a teenager to tell her about how she and Mary Eunice had been Nuns, and that her Father was a Priest, well, a Cardinal now…it was just not something a little girl could fathom, especially one who'd just started kindergarten at a Catholic school. And more so, it wasn't a secret a little girl should have to live with keeping: it was a burden Jude didn't want to give her. Little Olivia already had so many burdens and she just didn't know it yet.

"How about we talk about something other than yar Daddy."

"No, I want to know more Mommy." She said, jumping as thunder stuck outside. "Where did ya meet him?" She persisted.

Jude reached over and turned off the light on her daughter's little nightstand. She sighed, crawling in bed with the girl and laying down, opening her arms for her to snuggle into her embrace. Olivia gladly did so.

"Yar sleepin' here Mommy?" She asked excitedly, burying her face in her Mother's chest.

"Yes." She said.

"Why?"

"Because I wanna be close to ya." She said.

In reality, the girl's questioning about her Father made her Mother sad and lonely in a way she often tried to pretend she wasn't. Even after five and a half years without him, Jude still missed Timothy and lamented the way that things had ended between them. Jude didn't want to speak of him anymore that night and so instead of talking she lye there in the dark, quietly rocking her little girl. Jude hummed a soft lullaby to Olivia that quickly got the talkative little girl sleepy.

"Ya know why I named ya Olivia, really?" She asked as Olivia's eyes closed. "Because part of yar name means olive branch, or peace, and that's exactly what yar Daddy and I needed: an olive branch."

Jude kissed her little girl, hugging her tight once she'd finally fallen asleep. She sniffled allowing her tears to flow freely onto her sleeping child, and lye there closing her eyes once again, happy to not be alone tonight and to have Olivia in her arms.

"I love ya Olivia Martin, more than the whole world. And at one time, I loved yar Daddy too."


	2. Love Child

Chapter 2- Love Child

November 1963

"Timothy we should stop." Jude gasped, clutching the fabric of his jacket as he nibbled on her neck, his soft fingers roughly pulling back the headdress portion of her habit, releasing her long blonde hair and allowing it to fall gracefully upon her shoulders.

"No, no Jude we must never ever stop." He said redirecting his lips from her neck to her mouth, kissing her greedily as he pressed her against the cold stonewall.

They were in her office and the door was open askew, it was a risky position, and one of Timothy's favorite kinds. Jude couldn't help but throw her arms around his neck as he deepened their embrace, even in such a compromised state; it was hard for her to resist him. It always was. She pulled away and took a breath when she heard his pants zipper.

"No Timothy not here, not right now we'll get caught." She pled; knowing her no's never really met much to him anyway.

"Isn't that part of the fun, Jude?" He laughed.

"Timothy, please wait until after our dinner, tonight, okay?"

Jude watched him as he paused for a moment, a smile slowly spreading across his face has he reached up and took her cheeks in his hands.

"Timothy?" She questioned.

"You are so beautiful my rare bird." He leaned his forehead against hers, smiling still.

"Timothy…" She cautioned. She understood even before this, that he was trying to woo her.

"My Jude, I want you by my side forever and ever, you know that?"

"Yes I…" Jude stopped as Timothy began to kiss her once again. Within seconds, she dropped her protest and was lost in the kiss. She closed her eyes, enjoying the feel of his body pressing hers tightly to the wall, listening to the sound of the rain trickling outside.

….

October 1969

It was raining heavily when Olivia woke the next morning. She sat up and rubbed her tiny brown eyes, the aroma of freshly baked cookies traveling to her nose as she yawned. Olivia got up quickly; excited by the idea that her Mom was making cookies. She passed Mary Eunice's bedroom along the way, noting that she was still asleep. Olivia didn't understand why she slept in so late on Saturday mornings. She, for one, liked to be up early so she wouldn't miss anything about the day: like freshly baked cookies for example.

Olivia could hear the radio grow increasingly louder as she tiptoed toward the kitchen. She pushed the door open, peaking inside slightly, expecting to find her Mother singing along with the radio as she nearly always did when she was alone. Instead, Jude stood almost perfectly still, seeming to stare out the window at the falling rain. Five-year-old Olivia paid no mind to the obvious change in her Mother's demeanor and announced herself cheerily anyway.

"Hi Mommy!" She squealed, suppressing a yawn as she burst through the swinging kitchen door.

"Oh…" Jude stopped, she'd been baking and listening to the radio, but she'd gotten lost in her thoughts and her memories of Timothy. "Hi Livie." Her expression softened significantly as she turned to her daughter. "Would ya like some milk, the cookies are almost ready."

"Yes please Mommy!"

Jude leaned down and kissed Olivia on the forehead twice as she poured her, her milk. Olivia was very thirsty and began to drink right away. Jude took a step back observing her daughter, noticing how very little she still was. Her feet dangled far above the floor and she had to hold the glass with both hands to keep from spilling.

Jude smiled in spite of renewed hurt about Timothy, as she turned back to the cookies, pulling them out of the oven. Looking at her beautiful five-year-old daughter made her realize she'd done extraordinarily well with what she'd been given. Olivia continued to sip her big glass of milk as another song came on the radio. Jude was unfamiliar with this one but knew immediately that it was The Supremes, a group she liked, and within seconds she found herself humming along to the unfamiliar tune, disregarding the first few lines of the song.

"_You think that I don't feel love. But what I feel for you is real love. In other's eyes I see reflected, a hurt, scorned, rejected love child, never meant to be, love child, born in poverty, love…."_

Jude moved in and swiftly turned off the radio, all of the pain and doubt she'd been feeling before Olivia came in the room, rushing back to her very quickly like a tidal wave overtaking her.

"Mommy what's that mean?" "What…" Jude hesitated, she'd been taken away by her thoughts again and

when she came back to reality she found she was shocked and horrified to have her daughter ask such a question.

"Love child." Olivia asked.

Jude's heart sunk and her brief moment of hopefulness all but disappeared when she heard these words come off her child's precious little lips.

"Hush, don't ya repeat that Livie."

"Why, it was in the song!"

"Cause it means somethin' not so nice, alright?"

"Mommy?" Olivia asked, slurping her milk.

"Yes honey."

"Mommy why don't ya have a boy?"

"A boy?" Jude laughed.

"Yeah like Mary."

"Oh honey ya mean a _boyfriend_!"

"Uh-huh. Was my Daddy yar boyfriend?"

"Yes, yes honey he was."

Olivia paused for a moment not even having realized what she'd asked at first.

"Mommy I thought Daddies were supposed ta be husband's." She offered.

Jude sighed, putting a plate of cookies on the kitchen table and then taking a seat next to Olivia.

"Here baby, why don't ya sit with Mommy far a minute, alright?"

Olivia was a little anxious now, it was obvious to her that her Mother was going to begin explaining something she might not want to hear but she climbed onto her lap anyway. Jude put her arms around Olivia and reached around for the plate of cookies. She took one, broke it in half and gave a piece to Olivia who gladly accepted, laying her head back against her Mother's chest as she began to munch.

"Olivia ya know yar my whole little world, right?" She asked, kissing her cheek, feeling Olivia nod against her face.

"Um hum." She smiled as she ate. "Yar my world too Mommy."

"Thank ya sweetheart." Jude took a deep breath as she lye her cheek sideways on top of her daughter's head, the girl's love for her giving her enough strength to go on and try to explain.

"In answer to yar question yes, yar Daddy was my boyfriend, far almost four years."

Olivia swallowed, feeling her angst drop to the pit of her stomach, the realization that her parents weren't married hitting her suddenly. Being five, she didn't know exactly what this met, but she knew it was important and it made her feel bad.

"Did he love you?" She thought Mommies and Daddies were supposed to love each other, surely, in Olivia's mind, if she'd been born, they'd loved each other.

"We were in love, yes honey. Both of us." It was heart wrenching to have to say it. As much as they'd been through now, she still missed him.

"What did he think of me?"

Jude froze when Olivia said this, having no idea how to reply and the little girl picked up on her Mother's silence.

"He didn't love me, right Mommy?"

It made sense even to little Olivia. They'd stopped being boyfriend and girlfriend around the time she was born, it seemed and that must have met her Father hadn't wanted her.

"No, no honey it wasn't because of ya." Jude lied. "It was because of some differences that he and I had, alright? Never ever because of Olivia. Olivia's my brave little one who can do no wrong."

Olivia heard her Mother sniffle and turned around in her lap to face her, cookie still in hand.

"Don't be sad Mommy." Olivia didn't understand exactly what had transpired between her parents. She was upset too and she hated even more to see her Mom sad. She placed her arms around her Mother's neck and kissed her nose.

"I'm not sad, I have ya, baby." Jude said, leaning her forehead against Olivia's.

"I have you too Mommy!" Jude giggled, holding her daughter tightly as she began to rock her. Jude kissed her again as the girl continued to munch on her cookie.

"Morning." Mary Eunice groaned. She was obviously exhausted, her hair strewn about her face as she stumbled into the kitchen, wearing her blue and green plaid pajamas. Jude and Olivia turned to look at her and Jude immediately began to laugh. Mary sat at the table with them and crossed her arms, laying her face on the table.

"Mommy look, sissy is sleepy!"

"Yes Olivia, yar big sister is sleepy. Stay up late sweetheart?" Jude asked Mary.

"Yes." Mary confessed, mumbling into the table.

"That's okay honey; how about some cookies, I think they'll wake ya up." Jude said, pushing the plate of cookies toward Mary. Mary Eunice said nothing and reached over to grab a cookie as she suppressed a yawn.

"Mary?" Olivia questioned.

"Hum?" Mary asked, the cookie made a loud 'snap' sound as she bit into it.

"Maybe I better help you with your homework." Olivia offered. Mary giggled as she chewed.

"What silly girl?" Jude asked.

"She taught me ta spell my name! I should help her too….Um, how do ya spell yar name again, Mary?"

"Oh honey; that's so sweet." Jude laughed as she kissed her daughter's cheek.

"Mommy can I have another cookie?" She asked, watching as Mary Eunice reached for a second one.

"Why don't ya go and get some of yar crayons befare ya have one, and that way, we can all work on yar spelling."

"Okay Mommy." Jude kissed her again. She and Mary sat in silence until Olivia left the room, the kitchen door swinging behind her.

"You okay Jude?" Mary asked sympathetically, knowing from the time she'd come in that something was on Jude's mind. "It's not still about her asking…you know, about her Father…_is it_?"

Over the years, Mary had come to understand that her adoptive Mother could get very hung up on Timothy Howard, her mind seeming to become possessed with the subject for weeks at a time, if he was brought up.

"Oh…a little." Jude admitted, biting into her own cookie.

When her daughter greeted her that morning, Jude had been staring out at the rain, thinking about the day she'd had been conceived. It had been the last time she and Timothy had made love. Jude was sure Olivia had happened over their last special dinner, later on that night. She could recall every thing about that night in painful detail, so much so that she could almost taste his delicious champagne-tainted breath lingering along her lips, and feel her hands running along the hard, toned muscles of his bare chest.

"Jude…"

"Oh!" Jude blinked as Mary called her back to the present.

Jude looked around at her kitchen, noting the rain falling outside just as it had that night. She frowned, realizing she'd momentarily allowed herself to be transported somewhere else. She hated herself for allowing this to happen, from time to time.

"You alright Jude?" Mary had a good idea of what was transpiring.

"Y-yes Mary Eunice, I'm just fine." She said, picking up the coffee she'd made for herself long before Olivia had interrupted her. "So, how's school?"

….

Jude closed her eyes tightly, tears flowing down her cheeks as she turned over and lye on her side. They'd had a pajama day that day and stayed inside, having hot chocolate and listening to the rain. As such, the girls kept her distracted that day, and she stopped thinking about Timothy when Olivia returned to the kitchen with her crayons. But now that night had fallen and she was alone with her thoughts, memories of Timothy returned like a monster that plagued her in the depth of the night.

She was ashamed of herself for her renewed thoughts about him. It had been over for a long time and she'd thought she'd grown beyond even the pain of loosing him…who was she kidding, she'd never get over that. But these past few years, she'd managed to mostly keep Timothy out of her mind, even as she raised a baby who looked like him and should've carried his name. And until now, she'd been good at it.

But somehow, her daughter's questions about the man who'd Fathered her, brought Jude new desire for her ex. She was ashamed to admit even to herself, that she missed her lover's body; that she'd grown to know so well. Jude thought she knew Timothy more than intimately, if there were even a word for that kind of love and knowledge of someone.

"Why Timothy…" She said to herself. "It coulda been the most beautiful thing in the whole of our lives…our precious child, yours and mine…and ya had ta go and make it my shame."

Jude was not ashamed for baring and raising Olivia alone, but she knew others saw it as her shame, while he was off the hook, scott-free, his reputation untarnished.

Jude opened her eyes, she hate laying awake in the night like this, but what was she to do when she couldn't close her eyes without seeing him on top of her, it was the last thing she wanted to see right then, but the very thought of it pulled her back in, causing her to close her eyes again and take a deep, frustrated breath.

"I love you, my rare bird." Jude recalled him promising just while they were in the midst of their climax. Jude's eyes flung open again, upon hearing the cruelest of all his words, the broken promise: I love you.

Jude shivered, rolling over onto her other side. Out of all their years of sex, romance, and a shared dream the _I love You's _were the things she couldn't stand to recall. Not only did they break her heart all over again, but the mere recollection of his voice whispering it softly, his breath tickling her ear made her skin crawl.

Jude tossed and turned, unable to escape her memories of her last fling with the Father of her child, wondering why she was being tortured so. Had it just been her baby's question? Jude thought it was funny how she could recall every detail of the affair, or what they'd referred to at the time as, their love affair, especially the end of it, but for some reason, she never thought of how it all began.

If her Olivia were older she might tell her, because for a long time, it was a beautiful story.

….

February 1961,

"Timothy, why on earth have ya brought me here?" Jude mumbled under her breath, her eyes transfixed upon the dark, stone building before her.

She never thought it would be a castle, or a refuge; after all, it was soon to be a mental institution. But Jude found herself truly surprised when she pulled up to Briarcliff Manor for the first time. She put the car in park and pulled the keys out of the ignition, sticking them into her jacket pocket as she got out of the car. Timothy had told her to come up here and have a look, that it would all be theirs, and that it was the ticket for them to go to a higher place together.

"This?" She asked herself, kicking the dirt with the toe of her boot. "This, how could this be the ticket ta anything?"

"Hello there." She heard a voice.

"Ahhhhh! Oh, Timothy!" She caught her breath, watching him laugh as he came out from his hiding place behind a tree she'd parked next to. "Ya scared me."

"I'm sorry my love." He said, wrapping his arm around her waist and kissing her forehead. "Well, what do you think?"

"It's dump, Timothy."

"Don't say that it's got a lot of potential. And it will get us where we're going." He said, taking both of her hands in his own.

"What do ya mean, where we're going?"

"You shall see Jude. Briarcliff will be an institution, renowned for curing the incurable mentally ill."

"And ya want me ta live in this….institution."

"Well yes but you'll be running it, I'll be your boss of course, but you'll have a wide range of oversight and…"

"Now, yar bein' my boss…" She teased. "Isn't that kind of a conflict of interest Timothy." She asked, turning to him.

"I'm already your boss." He reminded, holding her closer. "It's already a conflict." He kissed her lips softly, leaning his forehead against hers. "Please do it Jude. Be on my team, be part of my plan. It'll be good for you, you'll run the whole place, and you can bring Mary Eunice…and I figure it'll be good for us….intimately."

"Intimately?" She questioned, raising an eyebrow.

"There's space there, for you to live in private, in such a way, that I can come and see you, and be with you, and there won't be quite so much sneaking around."

"Hum….Yar doing this far yar own desires, aren't ya?"

"Largely, yes." He admitted. "I want you Jude. I want to have you any time I want you, not when we can sneak around and find a place to hide…"

Jude put her head down when he said this, wondering why he didn't just give up the church and marry her if he wanted her that much. Timothy kissed the top of her head and hugged her.

"And in that same way, I want you to have something too Jude. You're more than just my lover, you're a beautiful, intelligent woman, and you deserve career advancement. Trust me, when I tell you that this is it. Not every nun gets to run something, and a lot of them want to, look how happy Mother Claudia…."

"Alright Timothy." She sighed. "I'll do it."

"You'll take the job?"

"Yes."

"Excellent love." He kissed her softly. Timothy paused, cupping her cheek in his hand and taking a moment just to stare at her.

"Um, what Timothy?" She smiled.

"I uh…oh nothing."

"What?"

He kissed her again.

"I wish I could do that whenever I pleased, in front of anyone I wanted. Jude…there's something I have to tell you."

"W-what?" She was afraid to ask.

"One day, when I become Pope." He whispered. "I will change the rule and you will become my wife."


End file.
